Hebrews 4:13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
I read once that integrity is doing the right thing – even when nobody is watching. The fact is, it’s really difficult for our private thoughts and actions to mirror those up for public consumption. Even harder for me than achieving personal integrity is the unrest I feel when in my relationships with others, things don’t add up. There’s a disquieting of my mind as I try to think thru conversations and understand the motivation of others. There are things in my life I don’t want to talk about with others. Areas I’m ashamed of. While I can be honest with myself about where my personal convictions stand, I will never know the whole picture behind someone else’s actions. I cannot possibly hope to understand what drives others responses in life. The full truth of where they are. But God does.
Sometimes that’s not enough for me. I struggle with taking on hurts that may have been unintentional. I’m a very passionate person and when I feel a wrong is being committed, I have a difficult time dealing with what I view as an unresolved issue. It is a stretch of my faith to say that it’s enough that God knows. To trust that it’s all being seen. No matter how much I think it stinks, how unfair it seems, the Lord is watching. None of it is a surprise. Nothing is slipping between the cracks and going unnoticed. I’m a fixer – and since I just God a little thru my own prism, I expect Him to be a fixer too. I want Him to make it all better. To be like the proverbial Mom with eyes in the back of her head, knowing exactly what happened, why and dishing out the appropriate punishment for the instigator. So, why aren’t you fixing it Lord?
My honest heartfelt plea to God right now is to have Him pull out His first aid kit and bandage my wounds and hurts. To believe that, He really does see and understand what’s going on – the brokenness and pain. The confusion and division. That none of it has escaped His notice. I want to trust that His timing is perfect. That all of the things done in secret will be brought into the open, that they are laid bare before Him and an account will be required of each of us. I know I will never be able to lay to rest the issues causing my heart to be troubled until I put them at the feet of Jesus and walk away. Knowing that He alone has the full understanding of the situation and how to heal it.
It’s the walking away part that’s causing my hesitation. If I walk away, I release the “right” to be angry about it. I lose my supposedly righteous indignation. I give up the resentment and instead have to replace it with mercy and love. There’s a part of me that feels good allowing myself to wallow in my own feelings of injustice. To be pissed of and feel like I have every right to be. Ultimately though, I’m not the judge. I don’t get to know it all. It’s not my call. Man, the control freak in me has a hard time accepting that. I’ve realized though that I’ve grown comfortable in my hurt and anger. And that’s not a good thing. It’s ok to tell God that I’m hurt. That I’m angry. That it’s all just a pile of crap and I hate it. But then that’s it. He gets to deal with it from there. It’s ok to have those feelings, but it’s not acceptable to hold on to them as justification for shutting myself off from people, closing up my heart and writing off relationships.
So here you go God. I’m placing it at your feet. I don’t know how to handle it, fix it or even start properly dealing with it. So, if it’s ok by you – I’m just going to drop it here and let you figure out how to work thru all that stuff in my life. You’re better at it than me anyway. Which is awesome. Because pretty much, I stink at this whole thing. So this is me…walking away.